Posted by: kevinfortruth | April 4, 2011

Bolting for the door


 After reading another blog or two about meeting someone on a blind date and the need for making an “Exit, stage left”, I decided to vent a little. 

Almost all of us  have been married at least once.  Also, my assumption is that most of us have been in several rather serious relationships that did not end in walking down the aisle. 

History has a way of repeating itself.  What does that mean and why is it relevant here?

I have read that if you want something to change, you have to stop doing the same thing over and over, i.e. if you keep dating or looking for that “same kind of person”, whether it be looks, financial status, or even a certain personality, the results will usually be the same – a relatively unhappy or unsatisfying relationship.

Over the years I have either been in the presence of people who have said things like:

“Well, wear your blue sweater and jeans instead of the red sweater so he will not recognize you and if you see that he is not what you are “looking” for, you can keep walking”.  I have also heard about the “drive-by rejection” where a man asked the woman to sit near the door at Starbucks so he, when driving by, if he notices that she is not as “hot” as she described herself, he can reject her without even getting out of the car – i.e. the drive-by.

Yesterday someone was hinting at making sure you had a quick escape route.  Sure, it might have been said tongue-in-cheek, but more times than not there is a serious side to every humorous statement.

What does it say about us that we are so ready to reject someone else – so quickly?  Are we afraid to be caught in the presence of someone, in this case a blind date, where we quickly determine that this new person is of lesser quality physically and we have to quickly wrap up the date and leave so no one notices that we were mistakenly with someone so inferior?  In that example, who is the real inferior person here?  Yep, you guessed it.

I am simply me – by that I mean I am a little taller than most men my age, but shorter than some.  I am of average weight – which really means I could stand to lose 10 – 15 pounds and I have my share of gray hair – beard and on top.  When someone asks about my hair color, I respond with – salt and pepper – it sounds a little spicier than brown with a lot of gray.

Thank God that Americans are getting fatter because that allows me to describe myself as average.  I am not morbidly obese nor am I grossly overweight, nor would I say that I am chunky.  Even if I were one of those descriptions, I would just need to find someone who accepts that body type as “acceptable”.

No one is going to mistake me for Sean Connery any more than I am going to be mistaken for the Hunchback of Notre Dame – I consider myself pleasant looking – to say that I am easy on the eyes might be a stretch.

All of that said, we are who we are.  If I am waiting for someone at a coffee shop and she sees me first and decides to bolt, then I am glad she did not stop in the first place – because she is probably so vain that we would not have hit it off at all because she would spend the whole time looking for a better offer.

We are who we are.  We are all worthy of a relationship – whether it be marriage, living together, dating, or even a one hour meeting at a coffee shop.

Who have we become – are we so special that we can discount someone to the point that after a quick glance we feel we are too good for this person and we feel the need to bolt for the door instead of simply holding up our end of the bargain and staying for the cup of mud and accepting this person as our equal, if only for a few minutes?

I know some people here lie  – about age, body type, height, weight, how many times they have been married, or why their marriage ended in divorce.  Others stretch the truth or even word something in a way that covers something up.

I will admit that I say in my profile that I was married for 35 years.  That, by itself, is absolutely true.  What I did not say in my profile is that it was to three different women – 17 years, 9 years, and 7 years.  Why?  I believe there is a stigma attached to being married three or more times so I skirt the issue until I know someone better.  Some might say that I am a three-time felon – a goofy way of saying that I failed in marriage that many times – to that I say “It’s a number, like one’s age”.  When some read that a man or woman is 58 years old and has never been married, some might say “He must be gay.” or “She must be really picky or she must be a B**ch that no one wanted to marry her”.  What is funny about that last statement is that she might have been engaged seven times but never felt comfortable in any of them to say “I do”.

The bottom line is that we are all simply trying to make it.  We all deserve the opportunity to have happiness and to be in a meaningful relationship.  To get there, however, we need to meet people to find out who we click with.  The word “chemistry” is overused, almost as much as the word “surreal”.  I, personally, am not sure about the word chemistry – I tend not to use it.  But if I had to, I would not use it to describe how much I want to wake up next to her tomorrow.  I would use it to say “She makes me feel like I am on my first date again”.  We all deserve to be able to finish that cup of coffee with someone.  Is our time so valuable that we need to reject someone in record time – to do what, buy another pair of shoes or to watch a boring baseball game on the tube? 

And as far as “wanting to be near an exit, just in case”.  If you make that person feel so uncomfortable – because even though you are physically there, you are already looking around for a better offer, you might turn back around and find yourself  alone at the table because your date was the one to quietly bolt for the door.

John Lennon said it best, “All we are saying is give peace a chance”.  This also applies to relationships.

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